Of Doghouses and Homicidal Babies - A Valentine's Day Tale
by FreeRen
Summary: Hook and Robin Hood are curious about this holiday for their loved ones. Can David and Ruby steer them down the right path to love?


"Oi! David, mate!" Hook flagged down his friend, gloved hand waving in the air enthusiastically as David walked through the door. It was a cold, late January evening in Storybrooke with most of the town happily gathered inside at Granny's, and there was a fine layer of snow just beginning to dust the ground outside the door. David shook the snow from his jacket as he had braved the inclement weather to grab dinner for Emma and himself to bring back to the station. Apparently, the colder weather in Storybrooke seemed to bring about a rise in petty crimes because they were swamped with paperwork. Emma had even insisted that they finish off the ungodly stack before they could go home tonight.

"Jones. Hood." David rounded over to their table, which had a fair share of empty glass mugs. He greeted Hook with a friendly clap on the back. "How may I help you gentlemen this evening? Staying out of trouble, I hope?"

Both men shared a quick grin that David feared. He didn't even want to have any idea of the mischief they could get themselves into and considered asking Granny to water down their drinks.

"Well, young Henry was informing us about this peculiar holiday that people in this land celebrate." Robin started off carefully, making sure that he was remembering the information correctly. "You are supposed to woo your beloved during this day and we did not want to, ah…"

"…Bugger it all to hell," Hook added helpfully. "Will you help us, mate?" He added with a smile.

David chuckled slightly and shook his head at his sometimes clueless friends. "You mean Valentine's Day, right? That's what Henry was helping you with?"

"That's the one!" Robin said.

"Red!" David quickly called out to the tall brunette working the counter. "Can you keep my food warm for me? I need to give these fine gentlemen some Valentine's Day advice."

Red laughed and grinned as she looked over at Hook and Robin. "I think you boys should ask a lady for advice, but you'll do for now Charming," she called out jovially.

David good-naturedly waved Red off and pulled up a chair to the outside of their booth, all smiles. "What do you need help with? They do call me Charming after all. Love is my specialty."

The two men groaned at David's cheesy pun. Hook rolled his eyes and shook his head at Robin. "This one, all jokes when his best mates are in dire straights."

"I see what you mean." Robin nodded as he took a long drink from his beer mug.

The prince looked over his two friends and opened up his hands. "Do you want my help?"

"Aye, aye. Don't get your britches twisted," Hook replied. "We have several inquiries. Firstly, what exactly are you supposed to do for your woman on this day?"

"Second, Henry seemed fairly confident that we would be '_in the doghouse_' if we did not honor the holiday. What is a doghouse?" Robin quickly added before David could respond to the first question.

"And, most importantly," Hook ducked his head slightly, looking about the diner and lowered his voice. "What significance does the half naked baby with the arrows hold? The young lad showed us a moving picture of the baby on the magic picture box yesterday, but had to leave before he could fully explain." He looked back over to Robin and then back at David. "I may not be a father, but giving a baby arrows… well, that seems unwise." Hook shrugged his shoulders and took a quick drink from his rounded beer mug.

"I agree," Robin added seriously. "I would not let Roland touch my arrows until he was at least four. Any younger, that is just poor parenting."

David's mouth gaped open just slightly at their questions. He turned around, eyes scanning the diner, waiting for Snow to leap out of a corner and laugh at him. Hook and Robin did not slow down their rapid fire questioning, once it started, it seemed they could not stop.

"Yes, am I supposed to procure this baby for Emma? And the arrows too?" Hook's eyebrows furrowed slightly. "I mean, if this is your custom, I shall do it for my Lady Swan. However, I doubt that she would want this homicidal infant."

"Your highness, I must admit, it is quite odd," Robin said as he gravely glanced over to David, who was struggling to hold in his laughter.

David took a deep breath and looked at Hook and Robin, trying and failing to keep the grin off his face. "Listen boys, Valentine's Day is a holiday where you show your love exactly how much you love them. Go above and beyond. No homicidal infants necessary." He never thought it might be thankful for his cursed time in Storybrooke, but maybe it wasn't too bad after all.

"I'd like to point out that I shower my Lady Swan in affection daily," Hook responded, miffed at the very thought of ignoring Emma. He gave David a pointed look.

David narrowed his eyes at his daughter's boyfriend. "You know, that's something I'd rather _not_ discuss, Hook. Let me continue. You have to do something extra special, like dinner, flowers or chocolates, typically," David paused as he considered the options, "and if you forget, you're basically in trouble. That's the 'doghouse' Henry mentioned."

"Interesting. Chocolate is a rare commodity in the Enchanted Forest," Robin mused.

"Hmmm." Hook tapped his hook to his chin thoughtfully. "Extra romance, you say? Well, I for one, never turn down extra romance." Hook added with a slow smile as he considered extra ways to shower Emma in attention.

David's nose wrinkled up in disgust as he noticed Hook's faraway expression. "And that boys, signals my leave." He stood up from the table, leaving Hook and Robin to brainstorm possible romantic options for their ladies.

As David practically ran away from their table, takeout clutched firmly in hand, Red couldn't help but slide into the booth next to the beleaguered men. "So, you guys are having romance problems with your ladies," she stated, eyes twinkling with pent up laughter.

Both men visibly stiffened in the booth at Red's words, looking affronted. "Lass, the Lady Swan is _highly_ satisfied," Hook countered with a suggestive eyebrow raise.

"Yes, Regina has no complaints either," Robin added instantly. "We were just, ah… unsure of how this unusual holiday was celebrated in your realm. Nothing more."

Red bit back her wolfish grin. "Sure you were. Listen, if I was in your shoes… I'd try a romantic night in, wine, dinner, candles, bubble bath…" She paused momentarily, "In fact, I think you should cook dinner yourself. Ladies cannot resist a man that cooks for her," Red grinned widely.

Both men shrugged their shoulders and simultaneously thought - _how hard can it be?_

—-

**February 14th**

Hook stared at Emma's kitchen in dismay. He had fed himself for centuries on the Jolly Roger; he was familiar with his way around a kitchen. However, he was not prepared for the various machines that beeped and screeched at him, knobs that seemingly did not do anything and mysterious items he could not name.

Slowly, carefully, he held up the magical calling contraption Swan insisted he own. "Robin!" he shouted into the device. "How are you faring mate!"

"Hook?!" Robin's tinny voice responded from the device. "My good friend, I do not have time to chat. The machine Regina calls 'the oven' has beeped at me. There is a fair amount of smoke, but that must indicate that dinner has completed. I love well-cooked meats."

Taking a slow turn around the kitchen, Hook attempted to locate the machine called the oven and failed. "Good for you! I shall leave you to your beloved's present." He gently pressed the button to stop the magic when the door opened behind him quietly.

Emma came bustling into her apartment, shaking the snow from her hat and jacket, expecting to drink a glass of wine and collapse on her couch for the remainder of the night. What she did not expect was her handsome pirate standing in the kitchen, surrounded by grocery bags, pots, pans, wearing a confused look on his handsome face. A small giggle escaped from her lips as she realized what he was attempting to do. "When should dinner be ready, honey?"

Hook spun around. "Emma! My darling Swan! I'm uh… uh…"

Emma grinned as she watched Hook flounder about his intentions. It was cute to see him a little unnerved, she had wondered if he would break the sassy pirate routine. She sauntered over and wrapped her arms around him. "Are you doing this because it's Valentine's Day?"

"Aye," he gave her his trademark grin while gently brushing her lips with quick kiss hello. "Your lad told us that we would be _in the doghouse_ if we did not celebrate it."

She leaned back for a moment, "We? Did Henry tell you _and_ Robin about Valentine's Day?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "Last I heard, Robin was doing quite admirably. He was able to locate the device called 'an oven' and it was beeping at him! He said the smoke was telling him how the meat was faring." Hook told her proudly, then cast his blue eyes downward, "I was not even able to accomplish that much, your world is right confusing, love."

"Oh shit!" Emma scrambled from Hook's warm embrace to grab her cell as she put together the key words of _oven_, _beeping_ and _smoke_. "Regina. It's Emma, uh… You might want to check your house. I heard from a certain pirate that Robin was able to find your oven, turn it on to make you dinner and now something is smoking…"

The squawk of **_WHAT_**! was loud enough for Emma to pull the phone from her ear. "Regina?" Emma looked at her phone screen as the former evil Queen ended the call in a rush. She gave Hook a long look. "She hung up on me, cursing inept outlaws and ridiculous holidays."

Hook shrugged sheepishly, his eyes slightly hooded as he walked over and pulled Emma back into his arms. "We did not want to get into that dreaded doghouse, my dearest." He kissed her softly after each word. When she happily hummed her enjoyment, Hook leaning in again for another kiss, drawing her bottom lip into his mouth gently.

A few long breathless moments later, Emma broke the kiss as she looked over the items on the counter. "Well, Jones," she teased, "if you grab that bottle of wine and take me our bedroom, I can guarantee the only trouble you will be getting into is the good kind," She winked at him before slowly kissing his neck and strolling off to the bedroom.

Hook took two-steps, grabbed the wine and some glasses before rushing back to the bedroom. He figured that he would save his questions about the arrow shooting baby for tomorrow.


End file.
